Throughout this journey, I keep thinking about how my perceptions of “fit” have changed as I have gotten older. And busier. Ten years ago, fitness meant working out at least 2 hours a day. Hardcore cardio, or if I used weights, I would attend group fitness classes with names like “Chisel.”
I was a certified AFAA instructor (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America http://www.afaa.com/) as well as a licensed Spin instructor (www.spinning.com). I had a series of other certifications. There were days I would teach 5 classes. Most of the time I felt amazing. Some days, I felt horrendous. I recall one evening arriving early for a spin class I was teaching. I stayed in the car, and decided to close my eyes for a few minutes. I fell dead asleep and almost was late for my class. I popped up, arriving groggy to the class.
For me, if I didn’t sweat daily, I was letting something slide. It was not an option to take a day off. To slow down. Even taking a yoga class felt like a cop out to me. Like I was somehow cheating the fitness gods if heaven forbid I didn’t get my heart rate up to 85% of my maximum heart rate. This all or nothing approach would eventually shoot me in the foot.
Fast forward 10 years later. In the past ten years, I have learned a great deal about what not to do when it comes to fitness and pushing my body. After following the above schedule for about 2 years, ontop of living on caffeine and not enough sleep, a bizarre thing happened to me.
I started to fall asleep at two o’clock in the afternoon. I would be driving and start to nod the way one would do if driving all night. It was terrifying. I began to put on weight. I never felt good. I always felt bloated, and toxic. I was depressed. I was craving things I never ate before. Sugary carbs – muffins, cookies, things like that. I was drinking sugary coffee drinks. I couldn’t stop for a while. I assumed I was getting older and my body was finally turning to crap. I was 29 years old!
Two women in the fitness profession told me what was happening to my body: adrenal fatigue.
It was a message to my body. I had to slow down a little. I had to come face to face with the realization that I was…. Du Du Duuuuu…. HUMAN (gasp!)
I quit my classes. I actually did something that seemed so contradictory at the time. I worked out less, and I ate more. I started going to yoga more regularly. I was inspired by this tall, gorgeous older woman who seemed to be in phenomenal shape. She told me the only thing she did was yoga. This began the first step to an eventual journey to yoga. Am I a Yogi? No. but do I see yoga as this cop out workout? Hell no. That shit is HARD!!!!
It took six months to feel better. A year to feel human again. It scared me enough to think long and hard about what I was doing both inside and outside of my body. Ironically, despite the fact that I did not do cardio or lift a single weight for a year, I felt fitter than I did in a long time. People were complimenting me – saying I looked great. Asking me what I was doing. When I would tell them “nothing”, I wished I said I ran a marathon weekly instead. I would have gotten fewer “looks”.
I am not in a place where I can even work out the way I did years ago. But I want to make sure that my choices keep leading to health.
In January, I spent a weekend at Kripalu Yoga Center in Massachusetts. It is a place where everyone seems to radiate good health. I attended a Nia weekend. It was different than the crazy Zumba classes I am accustomed to. It was slow, easy going, meditative. One evening, I was going to run on the treadmill in the workout room (thinking I need to get my miles in for this half marathon). On the way there, I heard a voice tell me to stop.
“You can run anytime. You are at a beautiful spa. ENJOY it!”
I used to ignore those voices. The voices that would tell me to stop. Slow down. Sleep. Eat. Forgive myself for needing to rest. Enjoy myself.
But, this time I listened.
I went and drank tea with the Nia ladies. That evening, while sipping ginger tea with tons and tons of hot honey (yummmmm) I felt so good.
I felt fit.
One morning at that Kripalu weekend, I woke up for a 6am yoga class. It was wonderful. The next morning, instead of waking up for the same class, I slept in. The day before, I did back to back yoga and YogaDance classes, and then danced madly at a drumming circle that night. When the alarm went off the next morning, I didn’t move.
“Rest,” the voice told me, “This is YOUR weekend.”
I woke up – 2 hours later - so refreshed.
I have to keep reminding myself that the most important part of being fit is being balanced. And forgiving to my body. I am 37 years old, and even if I had the time, I probably could not get to the psycho-Energy Bunny levels I was at at age 27. And even if I could, I would only be able to keep it up for a short amount of time before my body crapped out again.
So every day is a journey. Some days it’s exciting. Some days it’s mundane. But a few things have helped bring back the spice to my life again:
Spinning 2 mornings a week. I love it. I wear my heart rate monitor and challenge myself the whole time. I realize not everyone will be as passionate as I am about it, but it works for me!
Jivamukti yoga. A married couple from the Jivamukti yoga center in New York City come out to Long Island every weekend to teach Jivamukti yoga to a small group in a tiny studio. I do it every Sunday morning for 90 minutes and it helps me so much. I end every class crying and making huge revelations about myself. But that’s for another entry.
Planning for my half marathon. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. But I’m doing it!
I also have been reading two amazing books:
Poser: My Life in Twenty-three Yoga Poses by Claire Dederer – a very funny book about a mom’s journey finding yoga
Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr – a great book written by a young, beautiful cancer survivor who has been healing herself through diet and yoga. She gives tips and reasons why we all need to eat better and exercise.
If this is a journey, I need to view it like a long road trip to somewhere really fun. There will be blasting the radio to awesome song moments. There will be “Are we there yet?” moments. There will be pit stops, pulling to the side to stretch, and napping moments.
There will even be junk food moments (like the Valentine chocolate gorge fest I thoroughly enjoyed!)
There will be sunrises, and sunset. There will be “Stop to take a picture” moments.
We don’t feel guilt when we go through each of these moments on a road trip.
So, the largest weight I will let go of is my guilt and my judgment of what “Fit” is based on what I thought “Fit” was.
