As I stepped out Christmas morning to try out my new running gear (a gift from my husband to show me that he is fully supporting my goal for 2011 – to run my first half marathon), I reflect on what I intend to get out of my run.
It was the first time I ever started a run with some type of reflection, intention, or purpose other than “run as fast as I can and as long as I can until my legs shake and my lungs burn for air.”
The notion of beginning a workout with intention finally made sense to me last week, when I started doing Jivamukti yoga again for the first time in ten years. During the entire class, we were reminded to focus on our intentions, rather than on our bodies.
Our intentions, and our breath.
I don’t know where it came from, or why, but that thought popped into my brain this morning as I headed down the steep hill from my neighborhood onto my familiar running route.
It was interesting how aware of myself I became doing this. I know it sounds so cliché, and I read other people writing things like this all the time so it almost becomes background noise, but really… something inside me just woke up.
It was more than just the strength I felt in my stride, or the fact that for the first time in a long time, I did not feel the need to stop to walk, catch my breath, or curse myself for not “doing better”.
It was this awareness that I’m a “Pushy” person. And it takes away from all the good I intend to do. And it slows me down. Weakens me.
I push myself.
I push myself in my workouts – to do better, do more, do faster, do harder.
I push myself in my career… to do more. Work more hours. Finish more projects. I take my work home with me. I go to sleep thinking about it.
It is my job to push others to do better, do more. The students that I consult on, and the staff that work with them. As a result, I see the students excel. I also get a lot of amazing teachers who step up to the plate, but just as many who resent my manner.
I have gotten so used to that. I have gotten used to the mirror I carry around. It is a “you are not doing enough” reflection I see everywhere I go.
In the blink of an eye, I decided this morning that whatever I do, it will be enough, because the other option would be lounging around on the couch watching the new DVD’s I received.
But I chose to run, and since I was so happy I made that decision, I forgave myself ahead of time for not doing it well.
And in that forgiveness, I excelled.
With every breath I took, it was a prayer to myself. My body. My life. That with my intentions, my awareness, and my forgiveness, I can do better than I could if I were pushing every step of the way. I made a promise to myself that I will celebrate my intentions, and my accomplishments.
I will stop to look around me from time to time – not straight ahead at the thing I haven’t gotten to yet.
It is a habit that I have gotten so used to. And with habit, comes complacency and stagnancy.
There is nothing wrong with challenging myself – and using that as a way to push myself in the right direction. But with challenges comes strategy to become efficient and powerful, not pushing to the point of exhaustion – whiny and miserable all along the way.
I juggle so much. I never give myself a break, because if I do, I’m afraid I will slow down.
If I slow down, then I will lose my stride, my momentum.
I am notorious for never stopping, never slowing down. I am The Woman Who Does Too Much. There are books about women like me.
But objects in motion tend to stay in motion unless an external force gets in it’s way. Just because I’m always in motion doesn’t always mean I am going in the right direction. Or with efficiency. Before an external force gets in my way that I cannot control, I am deciding to create the right forces around me to knock me off my path before I self destruct.
I will be my own external force.
As part of my vow to myself to find that “perfect fit”, I will do the best I can to begin everything I do with intention.
No comments:
Post a Comment